Battlefield .

It has been a couple months that I have wrestled with the idea of taking 7 years of thoughts, emotions, moments, experiences, and no longer silently writing, but rather bringing them out of my vault and exposing them.  I have spent the last 2 days reliving and purging some of my favorite (and not so favorite moments.) This being one of them.  I struggled with how comfortable I felt revealing this one, and of course... gave it to God. Surpassed with a calming recognition... Something within confirmed, and said yes. I am happy and endlessly thankful that God brought me out of this dark time and am now able to share in hopes of showing someone, somewhere; that there is redemption.
There is love. There is hope. There is light.

There comes a point in your life when you come face to face with your 

"other self."

The person you attempt to be; and show to others, 

versus the person that you are; a deeply wounded, fragile shell of who you once were. 

A double life. 

One side has to give. 

One side has to win.

One problem. The fight is so buried, so far deep within.  A battle that is flooding with ignitions and explosions of emotions; a battle where painful thoughts are ammunition and tears are my protection. 

A quiet silence is my armor.

I give, I try... and I try, 

but most of the time one side waves the white flag and hopelessly surrenders to the firing squad.

Why does it result in pain? Tears. Hurt.

Why do I have to suffer?

No one has to hurt me.

But they do.

Words that cut like daggers, that send me spinning into my own mind. My own battlefield... and makes me wonder is it me? Do I cause this?

I am my own worst enemy.

A battle between of who I show... and who I really am.

A battle I come suited and armed to.

Which side wins?

Too weak to fight.

Tears are my protection.

Silence is my armor.